I’m Joy. I don’t know what freaking thing came to my parents’ mind when they gave me that name. My full name is Hilary Joy Jovial. Yeah right it’s so ironic. My name is awesome they said but for me my life is just the total opposite of it.

I’m bitter. I hate sugar. I hate candies, I hate ice creams, I hate cakes, I hate sweets. It just reminds of something in the past. Past that should be burried underneath the ground.

I don’t know when did I start bittering about life.

I just saw my daddy kissing other woman when I was 10 years old. I saw my mommy having a pregnancy test when in fact my daddy had a vasectomy, that was 5 years later when I saw daddy cheating on her. I never told them what I knew. They got separated when mommy’s tummy was getting bigger, yes of course you can’t hide your pregnancy for 9 months. Right? She named my brother grey. Grey means gloomy. I did not know if mom was in her right mind when she named him.

Then 2 years later after she gave birth to grey. I was already 17 years old back then. I met this boy named Jude. He was sweet, thoughtful, kind and gentleman. He had those brown eyes that tells you  that ‘everything’s alright’. He had those thin lips that would make you want to kiss him, he had that dark brown hair that falls to his eyes and he had that fair skin. He had everything that any girl could ever want.

Then after one year troubles dated me again. I was very down those days but Jude was the only one for me when I needed mom. Mom gone insane after she knew some syndicates killed daddy and maybe my father was also a member of them. I did not cry at all. I was too numb to feel any pain. I was confused if I was already numb or I just hate my father that much.

Jude. Jude. Jude. He made feel what was happy like. He made jokes and pick up lines for me. I fell for that. He would always pick me up after my class then we would eat in a fancy ice cream parlor or sometimes we were just going to buy a whole cake and talk about worthless things until there was no more cake. Then one day he told me that he loves me. But after that day he never talked to me again.

I like coffee very much. That very next day I decided not to put sugar on it. Even the 3 in 1 coffee seemed like a sin to me. Just the black coffee would make me okay.

That Jude made me fell for him. Douche bag. In a glimpse his brown eyes became red, his thin lips that smiled sincerely became sarcastic to me, his dark brown hair seemed like burning. I guessed he became Judas.

I felt like a zombie, questioning life why did fate seem so unfair. Why did I have to experience those circumstances at my very young age? WHY!?

Sometimes I would go to some places to forget about the pain. But in the end I would regret going to that particular place. I remembered when I saw a couple maybe they were at the same age like mine, I could not stop my mind to think about Jude, ah no! Judas I meant.
I stared at them and kept on chanting curses like they were going to break up as if it would beget.

The last time I went to the park  I saw a family. There was a girl holding a minnie mouse balloon on her left hand and an ice cream on her right hand. She looked so happy as well as her mother and father who were  taking pictures of their daughter. How I wish I was her. When I turned back, I saw an old man and the street children suddenly called him “Tatay Chito”. I remembered my dad. They had the same name. I suddenly felt guilty because I hated him so much, because I caught him kissing other woman when in fact my mom was also cheating on him. I was being biased that time. How I wish daddy was still alive.

I was learning to move on. I was mastering the art of letting go when problems caught my guard off again. Grey was already 3 years old already when he got hit and run. That time mom just left the mental hospital. I really wanna punch myself for being an irresponsible sister to my baby brother. I felt worthless. But luck was a little considerate that time, Grey survived that accident. But after 2 years, mom got worse so we sent her again to the mental hospital. I could not take it anymore. I didn’t want to see my mother like this. Mom, please come back.

Here I was crying at the rooftop of the mental hospital. Tears streamed down on my face. I couldn’t  hold it back anymore. I was pretending that I was strong and numb but this salty liquid was betraying me.

“Hey miss, need a handkerchief? Take this” a chinky eyed man offered me, I think his age was around 24-26

“No thanks” I told him because I didn’t want to entertain new people  who would eventually leave me when I’m already attached to them.

After that day, I’ve decided to give Grey to one of my aunties for a while. I’ve made my mind to volunteer as worker to that mental hospital. In that way I could see my mom everyday. I just missed her so much because I was too selfish during my teenage years.

Every afternoon I would go to the rooftop, I just loved seeing the view up there. But as fate would have it, Mr. Chinky guy aka Elijah was always there also, reading a bible, he was Christian indeed. I found him disturbing for asking me about my personal life.  There was a time I yelled at him because he was too annoying for interfering and asking about my religion, and he even questioned my praying and my faith. I was very furius to him that time so I shouted at him some hurting words. And there he left me.

But as I said he was also there in the rooftop every afternoon. I also learned that his sister was just like my mother. So in the end I told him I’m sorry which was true because guilt struck me ’cause everytime I would look at him he would smile at me. If smiles could only talk, his smile would tell me ‘Hey Joy let’s be friends, I’m good’.

Months have passed. We became friends, no I mean close friends, I did not know if I could already call him my bestftriend because he already knew everything that happened to me. I was also moved by Elijah to become a Christian. I was lucky to be saved. But there was always the fear that maybe one afternoon I might not see him again. Yes I was terrified to lose another important person to me. Again.

I was afraid because I knew there were already butterflies inside me everytime I looked at him. I was afriad because I knew deep inside I was already on the cliff , ready to fall anytime.

I was already 21 years old when Elijah told me he likes a girl and he would court her. I knew it was going to happen. He would also leave me. So I hugged him so that he would not see me crying. Maybe this was my fate, to be left alone.

The next day I was grieving when Elijah came out holding a boquet of flowers and he was giving that to me.  I started to cry because I didn’t know  what to react. I love this man. Yes I do.

We became lovers. I never felt this assurance before, assurance that somebody would not leave me. He made me million times happier than Jude did. I hope he changed by now.

He was so gentleman to the point he never kissed me on the lips. He kissed me yeah but only on my forehead. He respected me that much.

When it was already time for my mom to go back home that was when Elijah asked for my hand.

I was happy that time, and finally I told myself that my name suits me now. And Elijah, he was my best and I could see my future with him.

Wedding day. Yes we were getting married. But I waited him for 3 hours and the guests became impatient. No signs of Elijah. This was I hate the most. Being left without their last word. I would not cry.

And suddenly I received a text message from his mother telling me that Elijah was gone. He got hit by the car on the way to our wedding.

Not a true story, just my thoughts and sorry for some errors and wrong grammar


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